These poems are not in my book
Hello. This Saturday, I will be shipping out preorders of my book, This Rambling Heart. You can find the preorder link here.
When I put together the poems in This Rambling Heart, I had a very distinct feeling that I would never again write another poem. I didn’t know what else I could possibly have to say. I guess when I first put the collection together, I had the feeling that my world had ended. But it turned out that my world hadn’t ended, and I kept living life. I have in fact been living a very vibrant life since I made the nervous breakdown-inspired decision to design and publish my own poetry collection. This Rambling Heart brings together 24 poems written between the ages of 19 and 24, but I am still 24 for two more weeks, and I have still felt compelled to write silly poems.
Because silly things continue happening, I have been working on a cycle of poems called my “Silver Poems.” I shared early drafts of two of these poems last week in another Medium post, and I am sharing them again in their latest iteration so that they may be read alongside the new Silver Poems. I’m a big fan of “reprise” poetry and poems that build on each other. Diana Khoi Nguyen does this supremely well. I highly recommend her collections Ghost Of and Root Fractures. Taylor Swift needs to read Diana Khoi Nguyen and be humbled, because Nguyen is the most tortured poet out there.
Not to assert authorial intention, but unlike some of the dramatic love poems in This Rambling Heart, these are certainly not love poems. I just would like that to be clear. I have not written a single love poem in 2024 so far. Good riddance!
Anyway, the poems:
SILVER WINTER / GOLDEN SPRING
in the spring I walked on golden water;
in the winter you layered it over silver.
spring dreams and a leap into the ocean–
callused hand on my lower back,
callused hand wrapped in mine,
callused hand I called mine.
your silver soul and a toothy smile —
amalgamation of every girl you
have ever touched and every time
you reached out for me.
it is all so easy in the winter;
I labored in the spring.
once: golden water too bright
for me to see my reflection.
now: silver water so freezing;
silver water that could dissipate
in the heat of a want that boils
as I wonder what you are doing.
SILVER
picture us at the edge of the water. it is all so easy in the winter. you are never kind enough and it’s winter. after you leave I will freeze and wonder what you are doing while my fingers fold, slow, into an anxious fist.
that day your silver soul unraveled at the edge of the water. I thought about daring you to jump so you could be paralyzed forever in this corner of the Pacific that belongs only to me. that night, your silver soul came to me in my dream. a dream of rain and your hand in mine, just for a moment — enough for now. we shared an umbrella and a child came running next to us, throwing us off, almost making us fall.
on the highway heading to you, I wonder if you are looking forward to seeing my face the way I am looking forward to touching your hand, just once — enough for now. you do not give me anything easily but it is all so easy in the winter. after I leave I will freeze and the pieces of our shared world will fall out of place. I see silver in the tapestries of my life where there was once gold. I see you and your sunken silver eyes.
SILVER (Reprise)
silver boy amalgamation of every girl he has ever touched. silver boy amalgamation of unbothered sorrow.
silver boy worship me. silver boy I worship you only on the coastal highway that brings me to you.
silver boy turn your head my way. silver boy look at me if only in a rain-soaked dream. silver boy hold my hand if only in a rain-soaked dream. silver boy I’ll share my umbrella with you silver boy I’ll keep you warm.
silver boy worship me silver boy I’ll worship you.
silver boy it’s all so easy in the winter. silver boy none of it has to mean anything. silver boy I’ll drive all night you don’t have to ask. silver boy it’s all just for laughs.
silver boy last year I walked on golden water and this year you’ve turned it silver.
EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD POSSIBLY SAY ABOUT OUR SILVER WINTER
I had a dream we went to school together,
had a dream you said I was pretty,
and I said you, too, are beautiful.
I had a rain-soaked dream
you asked to take my hand;
I asked to share my umbrella.
I had a rain-soaked dream
your silver soul leaped into
my corner of the Pacific Ocean,
and you were paralyzed there
forever, within my reach
forever silver winter.
everything is so easy in the winter.
I have heat for you, but it’s freezing.
life happens to me in twos.
I dance across your silver water,
pretend I understand your silver soul,
wish for perpetual silver winter to end.
I’ll be thinking about how
you asked if you could kiss me
for the rest of this silver winter;
I’ll forget it by the golden spring.
